How to be THAT Guy on the Trail (Another 5 Steps to Greatness)

Who doesn’t want to be famous, right? (I know, lots and lots of people, but that’s besides the point here.)

Have you always loved going outside and blazing the trails? Have you always dreamt of being recognized for something out there? Now’s your chance to be THAT guy; the center-point of all the stories that everybody is going to be sharing when they get home from their backpacking trip or a hike!

Forget about picking up trash as you go or actually being helpful in case of emergency; that stuff doesn’t work. Instead, try this easy-to-follow manual, and by the end of your next hike of a backpacking trip, you’ll be recognized as THAT guy by most of other people enjoying the outdoors that you meet – and sometimes, your fame can go even beyond that; imagine being talked about among the common folk or – gasp – on the Internet!

So, what do you need to do in order to get the recognition you deserve? I’m glad you asked! Here’s another 5 steps (yes, I’ve already brought you a manual with 10 steps before!) to follow to make your name known around campfires (or at least on citation slips)!

Go off trail in protected areas
(for more authentic experience!)

I bet you will love that. Trampling plants as you go – they love a good massage – and destroying ecosystems, disturbing animals and possibly getting bitten by something poisonous or falling off the side of a cliff.

Don’t worry – that’s why rangers are there; so that they can take care of you after you have a snake’s venom in your blood system and itch from head to toe from poison oak while your leg is broken in three different places.

Of course, you mustn’t forget to sue the park afterwards – it’s completely their fault that you got so beaten up.

Pee and poop whenever and wherever you have to
(You promote health by adding important minerals and bacteria to the water downstream)

Screw the rules. You can dispose of your human waste anywhere and anytime you find fit. 200 feet from water sources? Oh no, sir, not for you. You’re an alpha male marking your territory. After all, you’re doing everything and everybody a favour anyway, by adding important minerals back to the water system that others drink from.

Properly announce your arrival to the campsite
(especially when it’s night and so nobody can see that you’ve arrived)

When you arrive at a campsite late at night and everybody is already in their tents and sleeping, it is your duty to announce your arrival. You should stomp as loud as possible and curse profoundly when setting up your tent, while choosing the loudest possible way to put the stakes into the ground.

If you are not hiking in but arriving in a car, don’t forget to have high beams on and shine properly into every campsite to see the tents there. If you’re with a partner, let them get out of the car and yell “I found an empty site here!” across half the campground. If you can’t understand what they’re saying, just yell back.

Assault the rangers when they try to explain to you why you shouldn’t do any of the above (seriously, you’re in the right there!)

If a ranger or a volunteer tries to stop you from doing any of the things things described above, loudly protest and make sure you tell them all your rights. They don’t know any better.

Don’t forget to let them know about your good big heart; tell them how lucky they are. You won’t call police on them this time.

Do this all to promote your “adventure” clothing brand (after all, bad rap is still rap, innit?)

If you can’t reach the audience Patagonia has, just show everyone that YOU are the real adventurer by following all the steps described above and in the first post. People will love you, and you certainly won’t end up with several citations under your belt.

I personally don’t even remember your name, and I don’t care enough to google it, but I’ve got a great idea for you; what about you go take a dip in the new lava lake in Kīlauea? I’m sure this feat is going to bring you a LOT of the so-desired publicity.

A little note for my dear readers: if the formatting is all over the place, I apologize. My laptop broke and until I can afford to replace it, I will have to write and format posts on my phone, which is proving to be quite the experience. So thank you for your patience.

Love, —P

2 thoughts on “How to be THAT Guy on the Trail (Another 5 Steps to Greatness)

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