Who doesn’t want to be famous, right? (I know, lots and lots of people, but that’s besides the point here.)
Have you always loved going outside and blazing the trails? Have you always dreamt of being recognized for something out there? Now’s your chance to be THAT guy; the center-point of all the stories that everybody is going to be sharing when they get home from their backpacking trip or a hike!
Forget about picking up trash as you go or actually being helpful in case of emergency; that stuff doesn’t work. Instead, try this easy-to-follow manual, and by the end of your next hike of a backpacking trip, you’ll be recognized as THAT guy by most of other people enjoying the outdoors that you meet – and sometimes, your fame can go even beyond that; imagine being talked about among the common folk or – gasp – on the Internet!
So, what do you need to do in order to get the recognition you deserve? I’m glad you asked!
Play loud music
(everybody loves that, seriously!)
Since the very moment you leave the traihlead, blast your music as loud as possible, especially if there are a lot of people around or if you are in a wildlife-observing area.
Everybody will enjoy your playlist, and those who give you strange, annoyed, or almost near-hateful looks are doing so only because they are jealous of your fine music style.
The animals will also appreciate this as they get bored very easily in the quiet woods.
(you are the most important person out there!)
Whatever you do, don’t yield. You own the trial since the moment you step on it!
Don’t yield to horses, bikers, people going uphill, or, on accessible trails, people in wheelchairs. It’s, after all, super easy for them to steer the wheelchair into the undergrowth on the side of the trail, and getting back out from that ditch is also going to be a no-problem task!
(after all, you pay the taxes so you have the right to do so!)
You pay the taxes so you can take whatever you please from the public lands, especially endangered plants! National, State, and Regional Parks are trying to save those plants only so that you have enough of them to collect and then throw away as you get bored of them.
Also, don’t worry about helping to spread invasive species by picking them up in one location and throwing them away somewhere else. They will totally not fuck up the entire ecosystem!
Pet the bear/elk/bison
(they will love that!)
Bravo, that’s an amazing idea! those animals will appreciate you sticking different parts of your body in their direction, and maybe even turning your back to them as you take exactly three thousands selfies. Also, putting your child next to them for the sake of getting the great shot is an amazing idea!
The bison will totally not run you over, and the bear will totally not fuck you up!
Bring your dog where it shouldn’t be
(it will be so exciting for the endangered birds living in the area!)
Is there a trail nearby where dogs aren’t allowed? Take yours there! The fragile ecosystem will appreciate it, as well as will the endangered birds!
Is it nesting season and there are baby snowy plovers anywhere nearby on the beach? Let your dog roam free so that it can chase after them and kill them since they don’t know how to fly yet! They totally deserve being eaten if they were so lazy as not to learn this essential skill.
Bike on trails where bikes are forbidden
(makes you look so cool!)
Is there a trail nearby where bikes aren’t allowed? That picture with a bike with a thick red line across it is your invitation to go biking there!
Nevermind that the trail is steep and narrow and provides no view of what is behind the next curve; that makes it all only better! Imagine the Adrenalin rush that hikers coming up will experience when you suddenly appear right in front of them, possibly mowing down one of them, coming downhill at 30 miles per hour! Totally not dangerous.
Ignore posted warnings
(even more cool, such an adventurer!)
Is there a sign telling you that the trail is closed? Was there a rockfall and it’s impassable now, basically a deathtrap?
You should totally venture there! Everybody will be amazed at your bravery when the EMT guys are risking their lives to get you out of there later on, including your insurance company!
Give unsolicited advice
(the trail guide will appreciate your help!)
Are you on a group hike led by a ranger who’s only worked for the NPS for 30 years? Or is your guide a young woman of 25 who can’t possibly know more about those elk than you, event though she’s been educating the public on them for much longer than you’ve even known an animal like this exists?
Now’s your time to shine! Show everybody your immense knowledge on every subject of the great outdoors! Share your knowledge about the elk – you know best about their behavioral patterns and where to find them. Ignore your guide, talk over them, and don’t forget to roll your eyes! This way you can show everybody how well educated you are on the subject.
Oh, and if your guide is a girl/woman, don’t forget to call her things like “sweetheart”, “darling”, or “cutie”. They will SO love it!
Dispose of trash as you go
(of course, you can’t be burdened by it all the way back to the trailhead!)
Why should you carry all your trash back to the trailhead? Just throw it away as you go so your backpack isn’t heavy! The plastic wrapper will totally biodegrade soon and the empty headlamp battery will not let all its toxic contents out into the environment!
It also adds to the boring aesthetics of the outdoors. Congratulations, you’ve just made it more spectacular!
Have a campfire anywhere you want to
(you can control an open fire in the dry underbrush!)
And if not; the area needed a fire-cleaning anyway. The grasses on the dunes were way too tall, and way too dry – otherwise they wouldn’t catch fire. You’re basically doing everybody a service; you’re getting the environment rid of everything flammable – next time there will be no fires!
And the thousand years old trees? Well, they’ve had their time, it’s time for them to go. Just light the fire, make your meal, and don’t bother to put it out – it’s time for firefighters to practice their skills, anyway.