I’m back home. My backyard looks like if I was holding a garage sale of camping gear. Wet stuff lies all over the place with me hoping for at least a few sunrays making their way through the clouds to help the gentle wind to get it all dry. I couldn’t sleep. I need more coffee. Hold on a sec while I go make some.

Yesterday night, I was really glad Lee Jae came to pick me up at the airport. Maybe I’d be able to catch the train but if you ask me, unless it’s during the day and the freeways are all packed with traffic jams, I’ll always choose a car over BART. I tried to convince myself that it was nice coming home – I’ll be able to get all the wet stuff dry. I’ll take a warm shower. I’ll sleep in my soft bed. You know, all the stuff people would usually look forward to after spending some time sleeping in and traveling through almost constant rain.

But…

The shower was too warm. Then it was too cold. I wasn’t able to get the perfect temperature of the ocean I swam in or the tiny stream and waterfall I walked through on Kaua’i. Sleeping in my room was terrifying. No wind playing with my hair. Not a single nature sound, just quiet – such a disturbing quiet it didn’t let me sleep. No waves beating against the seashore. No trees whispering in the wind. No rain on the tent fly. No chickens waking me up at half past four. I got up with an immediate need for caffeine. Note, I didn’t have or need one single cup of coffee throughout the whole trip.

I fed my sourdough starter. I watered my plants. I unpacked and washed all the clothes. I cleaned up my room. I washed the dishes. I cleaned up the kitchen. I’m trying to keep myself busy, do this normal-life stuff. But, somehow, it doesn’t work. I feel lightheaded and unreal – like if either the trip has never happened or this wasn’t really happening – how can these two totally different situations exist in the same world?

Now I’m sitting at the kitchen table, just staring outside. “Normal” breakfast made me feel sick. The coffee isn’t helping, my head feels still somewhat heavy and slow.

I should pay the SEVIS fee and apply for my new visa. I should do the Math and English assessments for my future college. I should check if my taxes payment went finally through. I should buy my flights back to California from Czech Republic. I should finish planning and booking stuff for the road trip with my parents. Every single one of these things feels like such a difficult chore that I can’t bring myself to do any of them.

I can’t even bring myself to start working on posts from Hawai’i and so I’m writing about this post-trip… what is it? I have no idea. If any of you does know, please, let me know. I’m going to make myself another cup of coffee and try to be at least a bit productive. And I promise, next Monday the posts from Hawai’i start coming!

Please, be patient with me.

Love,

Pina