A little bit unusual post for this blog, I must admit that. I wrote it a couple weeks ago and didn’t know if I was strong enough to share it. But there are three main reasons I have for publishing something like this;

1. I find it quintessential to speak about mental health, especially in the times we live in when young people feel overwhelmed and overworked and are, many times, driven into corners from which they can see only one way out.
2. I’ve always wanted to keep this blog honest and true – and this is a part of that. I can’t possibly share only the good stuff without sharing some of the bad times, too, and still accomplish that.
3. I hope with all my heart that sharing this, however hard it might be to press the “publish” button, could help someone – anyone – to get through their tough times. If you are this person, I want you to know; you don’t have to be strong and happy and positive all the time. You are allowed to feel down and disappointed and helpless. Because acknowledging those feelings and allowing yourself to work through them is endlessly more important than fulfilling the expectations today’s society lies on us.

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How to keep it together?

You have to break sometimes.

Interesting answer, isn’t it? But it is the only one I can give you, after way too much time of keeping it together.

But let’s start from the beginning. How did I keep it together?

Firstly, focus on tasks at hand. Tasks that are important for the big goal and which you can focus on right now. That would include doing my homework and studying for tests to get good grades. Good grades are the only thing that can get me closer to my goal. Short-term tasks moving me closer to my long-term goals. (Let’s ignore the huge walls that are between me and the goal, yes.) Check.

Secondly, talk to someone who can fully understand your situation. Confide in them and seek advice, help and encouragement. Okay, this is a little trickier. It’s very hard for my friends to understand the situation. Counselor Matt understood it perfectly – but even though he is the most supportive person I know and the last one to give up on anything and anyone, he admitted there’s not much hope. Okay. Okay… I’m good.

And finally, break down sometimes. Because keeping it together by means of reason and empathy doesn’t work anymore. There will come a time when the task or problem at hand is just too big, too overwhelming, too painful… There will come a time when setting small goals doesn’t work anymore. There will come a time when you realize that in the end, no matter how much people around you want to and do support you, you’re completely and utterly alone in it.

There will come a time when, for the sake of you not ending it all, you’ll have to allow yourself to break, to break quietly and then scream your head off, to break peacefully and then hit everything within your reach, to break calmly and then cry your eyes out. That would be me on my way home from the library today.

That would be me driving through the dark outside, feeling utterly and hopelessly alone, and trying to talk myself into believing that I have a chance, however small it is, to make it all work.

That would be me feeling the cracks running through my body and my soul, breaking it down slowly, quietly, peacefully… and then me hitting the steering wheel with the base of my palm and crying out in a painful scream which turned into loud sobs that took the breath out of my lungs and filled my eyes with tears.

That would be me talking to myself that it all will be all right, and then immediately yelling at myself and at the heaven not to lie anymore.

That would be me losing all hope and still trying to piece myself back together.

That would be me wiping off my tears, trying to catch my breath and mend my heart again .

That would be me getting out of the car, walking into the house and smiling at my host family, wishing goodnight to the kids whom I’ll be taking to school tomorrow.

That would be me going to my room and continuing to work on my homework and filling out applications for schools which I know I won’t be able to get into because I can’t prove that I have enough money, and a scholarship which I have about 0.01 percent chance of getting, but which will be useless even if I do get it because I can’t get accepted by a school in the first place due to the lack of funds because of which I’m applying for said scholarship. I can’t go to school because I don’t have nearly enough money. I can’t get a scholarship because I can’t go to school. It’s a cursed circle – and I’m in the middle of it; breaking apart while trying to keep it together.

They will kick me out of here. I will have to leave the place where I found my home. I will have to leave the place and the people that have become my life. I will have to say goodbye to the things that matter to me the most in my existence.

How could I possibly keep it together?

By breaking apart sometimes. And trying to believe in but never set hopes towards a miracle which can not happen.