I Miss Autumn

I miss the warm-coloured world of earthy tones;
Brown and red, dark-green and ochre, yellow and orange,
Sun filtering through the bare trees
In the gold of a late afternoon,

I miss the chilliness of air coming from the North
Spilling goosebumps all over my bare arms
Just as I got warm enough
In the gentle, beautifully weak sun.

I miss the almost-dark woods filled with fog;
Eerie but tranquil, quiet and calm,
A little scary to some
But inviting and caring for me,

I miss the first dusting of snow, so pure,
Its whiteness bringing out the beauty of the autumn trees,
Its gentle touch and lullabies
Telling them it’s time to go to sleep.

I miss walking long miles looking for beechnuts,
The lovely sound of dry leaves breaking under my feet
While I listen to the careful pit-a-pat of a woodpecker
A glimpse of which I catch only moments later,

I miss the smell of chestnuts being slowly toasted over a fire
That keeps us all cozy and warm,
Stories told in the nights that come earlier each day
And the closeness of souls that the firelight brings to us.

~~~ It’s been some time since I moved to California, since I started to live in the East Bay. When people ask me if I like it here and I answer that I love California, they mostly assume, “Oh, yeah, because of the weather – the weather is amazing here, right?” Actually, no. Every time somebody assumes this, my answer to them is, “Well… the weather is the only reason I’d want to move somewhere else.” Two years ago, I escaped for a weekend to Lake Tahoe only for the sake of experiencing different weather; the beautiful and beautifully unpredictable autumn weather.

~~~ Yesterday night I felt this absolute sadness, a part of me as empty as it could get. I realized very quickly what it was. I miss autumn. I miss it so badly that I can feel my heart hurting under the weight of it. It is the season that gave me life, it is a season that always made me the most happy as a child. This morning, I didn’t even realize until I opened google that today, September 23, is the first autumn day.

~~~ I went running this morning. The sky was covered in a thin layer of fog that slowly disappeared and then the warm sun came out. The earth smelled beautifully and drops of fog that condensated on the leaves of trees fell on my skin to cool me off. It was beautiful. And although there will never be real autumn around here, today’s morning gave me the tiniest taste of the season. For that, I am grateful. But I will never forget and I will never not miss the autumns that I grew up with…

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